Everybody has their shit together but me
How I learned to live with and overcome the imposter syndrome
Years ago, best-selling author Neil Gaiman went to “a gathering of great and good people.” Being surrounded by talent triggered his imposter syndrome. After the first night, he met Neil Armstrong and started a chat. If a room full of achievers can make you feel small, having the first man on the Moon in front of you should be enough to turn into a baby. A baby with no actual skills, no success and no accomplishments. However, the conversation took a different turn as Armstrong said:
“I just look at all these people, and what the heck am I doing here? They’ve made amazing things. I just went where I was sent.”
And I said, “Yes. But you were the first man on the moon. I think that counts for something.”
[…] if Neil Armstrong felt like an imposter, maybe everyone did. Maybe there weren’t any grown-ups.
If Neil Armstrong doesn’t have his shit together, how am I supposed to believe in myself?
I’ve got a feeling
In my late 20s, I quit studying psychology and became a designer. I was excited and motivated, but also scared as hell. I started doubting myself, questioning if I made a mistake becoming a designer. When opening up to my peers— much more talented than I will ever be — I found out these feelings were not uncommon, and the imposter syndrome term appeared. What is it? Why does it happen? When will it end? What can I do about it?
Looking for answers made me aware of how broken our perception is and how mean we are to ourselves. During this research I found ways to cope with it, reframing my mental process and improving my inner confidence. I realised if I’ve been such a good fraud for so many years, at least I’m good at something. And if I’m skilled at this, surely it’s not the only thing I’m competent at.
I realised if I’ve been such a good fraud for so many years, at least I’m good at something.
Today I would like to share what I found and what helped me take the first firm step to believe in myself. If you experience the same as me, I’ll teach you to recognise what gears turn in your brain, in the hopes it will motivate you to become a better self, or inspire you to help others.
Understanding the imposter
Before we define what the imposter syndrome is, we need to take a step back and go through two concepts first: the Dunning-Krugger effect and Conscious Competence Learning Model. They are probably familiar to you (even if you don’t recognize the names) and will be of great use to understand what is going on in our brain.
The Dunning-Krugger effect
The Dunning-Krugger effect (Krugger & Dunning, 1999) notes the illusion of superiority that follows the inability of people to recognize their lack of competence. Being unaware of our ability gap is very common when taking our first steps with a new skill. The disappointment comes later, when we uncover all the nuances we didn’t know our new skill carries.
The imposter plays on the same field, on the opposite side. An imposter underestimates their own abilities, no matter what their level of proficiency is. It’s not a matter of what they are good at, but what they think they are good at. In an ideal world, our skills and our own acknowledgment would be in sync, following an ascendant progression.
The Conscious Competence Learning Model
Broadwell (1969) proposed this learning model to describe the psychological states we go through when we learn and progress in a new skill. The four stages are:
- Unconscious incompetence. We don’t understand how to do it but we are unaware of the difficulty.
- Conscious incompetence. We acknowledge the deficit in our skill.
- Conscious competence. We understand how to do it, although with conscious effort and concentration.
- Unconscious competence. We are finally good at it and it becomes a second nature to us.
I’m sure you can relate to this. Facing a new skill sounds easy enough. You’ve seen people do it and you have an idea of the difficulty it entails. Even a baby can do it. You offer your brain to the task, convinced you’ll go from junior to senior in a matter of days even. Then, reality hits you, because “one way to make people recognize their incompetence is to make them competent” (Kruger & Dunning, 1999). It is when you face the ins and outs of that skill that you realize you didn’t know anything about it, but because you don’t give up, you train and reach the competence level. Aware that you’re not as good as you’d love, but happy you don’t struggle as much no more, you will keep training until your new skill works as your mother tongue proficiency: with 0 effort (unconscious competence).
For the imposter, however, things work differently in their heads. They see themselves as stuck on the right side of the matrix no matter what. They train, learn and get better at what they do but feel like their progress bounces back. They think they are bad at what they do, and they are aware of their incompetence.
So, what’s the imposter syndrome?
I’ve let job opportunities and interesting projects slip away not only because of the fear of frustration of not meeting the expectations, but the panic of being unmasked, and I’ve regretted it every time.
Clance & Imes (1978) coined the impostor phenomenon and used it to name the overwhelming “experience of intellectual phoniness prevalent and intense […] Despite outstanding academic and professional accomplishments”. They add that the people who experience it “persist in believing that they are really not bright and have fooled anyone who thinks otherwise”, even maintaining “a strong belief that they are not intelligent”. The last touch of the syndrome is the crippling fear that they will be unmasked. Expanding this definition, 4 key ingredients make this nasty cocktail:
- Self-doubt. A lack of confidence, constant and severe.
- Perfectionist tendencies. Setting themselves unreasonably high goals and feeling shame when failing to meet their own expectations.
- Refusing to own your success. Downplaying their achievements to the point where they think they can’t to replicate them.
- Fearing judgement and discovery. Pushing themselves to the extreme to prevent being unmasked.
There are so many more ingredients to this syndrome that I could write an article just by listing them all. Chronic self-doubt, anxiety, need of validation, fear of evaluation, self-awareness… While I go through the associated symptoms I have in my notes, the one that always strikes me as the most dangerous one is sabotaging their own success. The imposter not only has to live with feelings of inadequacy, but they will even turn down promotions or avoid challenging new roles or high-exposure projects. It’s hard enough to keep the mask when you’re working in the basement holding low responsibility. I’ve been there. I’ve let job opportunities and interesting projects slip away not only because of the fear of frustration of not meeting the expectations, but the panic of being unmasked, and I’ve regretted it every time.
It’s not you, it’s me (too): the imposter profile
There might be something wrong with me to have these feelings, it must be specific to my skills and my persona, right? After all, everybody seems to have their shit together. To this lie you tell yourself I want to add this: at least 70% of the people feel one episode of IS in their lives (Harvey & Katz, 1985; Matthews & Clance, 1985). That’s 7 out of 10 people not knowing what the fuck they’re doing, stressing out about being unmasked and called incompetent phonies. Such an enormous amount of frauds!
70% of the people experience at least one episode of the imposter syndrome.
This could convince anybody that they might not be the useless professional they think they are. However, even though the imposter can recognize other people experiencing the phenomenon, they are fully convinced, in their case, to be the real imposters. Our brain is such a mysterious asshole.
If we keep profiling the imposter in a professional environment, Bravata et al. (2020) find that “common among both men and women and across a range of age groups”. On a more concerning note, they also discovered that “employees who report more impostor feelings report less career planning and motivation to lead”. After all, they associate the phenomenon with both fear of failure and fear of success.
Even your boss, the person who pulls off enormous magic tricks that amazes you, as much as the clients, has no clue.
Interestingly enough, we find that the syndrome occurs among any role level, including CEO positions. Even your boss, the person who pulls off enormous magic tricks that amazes you, as much as the clients, has no clue. Such a comforting — and scary — thought, isn’t it? I mean, if the people who inspire you feel like a fraud, maybe there aren’t any grown-ups after all. And if we are all babies we can put a stop to try becoming confident experts.
Breaking the imposter cycle
You must think that at some point the imposter should feel validated, specially after years of achievements, right? I wish! Sadly, praises don’t have the effect they are meant to produce, and the imposter cannot internalize their success.
The imposter is unable to internalize their success
Clance (1985) introduced in her research the imposter cycle to explain why the positive feedback doesn’t manage on its own to stop the fear of failure and being unmasked. In order for you to break the cycle, it’s crucial to first understand how it works.
The model is probably the most important effect of the imposter syndrome. It starts when the imposter is assigned a task. The imposter experiences strong anxiety-related feelings and self-doubt. They think they won’t be able to complete the task and they will be, finally, unmasked. These feelings may promote intense over-preparation, or pushing the responsibilities aside in the beginning, to end up rushing things at a later stage.
Although imposters may receive positive feedback, they will refuse their own success and believe their accomplishment is due to luck or extreme effort.
Finishing the task relieves the imposter of the initial anxiety. This alone should be enough to prove to them that the self-doubt was unfounded, but here is where we find the short circuit. Although imposters may receive positive feedback, they will refuse their own success and believe their accomplishment is due to luck — following procrastination — or extreme effort — over-preparation. Believing their success is attributed to external factors, not ending the perception of incompetence, reinforces the imposter cycle with bigger self-doubt, fraudulent feelings or even depression. The next time the imposter faces a task, they will probably face bigger anxiety, and their strategy will be to work even harder or wish for another lucky moment.
I know by now your head is full of information about what happens in our heads, but nothing regarding how to stop it. I think it’s important to understand what moves our gears because only by knowing what we can’t change we can put a remedy to silence the voice in our heads. Reading about the internal process was my first step to become less of an imposter and let me tell you it really paid off.
Only by knowing what we can´t change we can put a remedy to silence the voice in our heads.
Now, let’s move onto the different meassurements againts the feelings of fraudulence that I stumbled upon when doing my research, as well as the ones that worked for me.
The imposter types and specific strategies
In her book The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer From the Imposter Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It, Young identifies 5 types of imposter and offers help on how to manage or help them. If you identify with one of these groups, the specific strategies might be of great help.
🧑🍳 The perfectionist
The perfectionist aims for the best, even at the cost of their mental health. These imposters are, frequently, control freaks. They focus on how the task is done, set themselves impossibly high standards for themselves and, as a result, success is rarely satisfying because they think they could have done better. Not achieving a flawless performance brings them great shame and failure.
- Own and celebrate your achievements despite your flaws.
- Embrace that mistakes are part of the process. Your work will never be perfect. Repeat yourself that good enough is good enough.
- Force yourself to start NOW. Don’t plan, just go ahead and do it.
Sharing your knowledge helps silencing your feelings of being a fraud.
🧑🔬 The expert
The expert feels less experienced than their colleagues. They collect knowledge but is never enough, since it doesn’t prove they’re skilled. Their major concern is what and how much you know, and are afraid of not knowing the answer to any question.
- Practice just-in-time learning. Learn a new skill when you need it, instead of for false comfort.
- Mentor colleagues or volunteer. It can be an effective way to discover your inner expert. Sharing your knowledge helps to silence your feelings of being a fraud.
Nobody can do everything on their own.
🏋️ The soloist
Soloists have extreme difficulties asking others for help. They feel they must prove their own worth through their productivity. Their focus is who completes the task, and needing help is a sign of failure that evokes shame.
- It’s ok to be independent but force yourself to not refuse assistance. You can achieve — and learn — amazing things working with your colleagues. Recognize your limitations, practice delegation and embrace collaboration.
You’ll get there eventually, like everyone else.
🧑🎨 The natural genius
These imposters are not only perfectionists, but they also expect to get it right — and perfect — on the first try. They focus their success on how fast and how easy it was. If it takes long or too much effort, they feel they’ve failed.
- See yourself as a work in progress. You’ll get there eventually, like everyone else.
- Understand that being an achiever goes hand in hand with lifelong learning.
- Focus on sharpening your skills. Most high achievers are pretty smart people, and many smart people wish they were geniuses, but most of us are not. There are areas where we are smart, and others where we’re not so much. Identify your strengths and keep working on them.
No one should have more power to make you feel good about yourself than you.
🦸 The superhero
The superhero is also a super-workaholic. They push themselves to work harder and harder to cover up for their insecurities and level up with their colleagues, which they consider the real deal. The work overload may harm their mental health, as well as their relationships. Their idea of competence is based on how many roles they can do at the same time — and excel in. Failing in handling just one, no matter how small the fall, brings them shame.
- Train yourself for internal validation. No one should have more power to make you feel good about yourself than you; specially not the work itself. Seek inner joy and you won’t need to overload yourself with tasks.
- Learn prioritization methods. You can’t do everything, and nobody expects you to.
You may see yourself as one type or as a combination of them. I see myself reflected in all of them, to be honest. I am highly perfectionist, expect to get it right on the first try, hoard a lot of information, try to compensate putting extra effort, and it takes me a lot to ask for help. I’m such a prize.
I thought it was stupid and clearly I had exposed myself as not knowledgeable and a complete fraud. I was stuck in the imposter cycle.
Before I talked about this topic to an audience, I gave an internal talk to my design chapter in the company. It was supposed to be something short that would take me little time to prepare. Instead, I read dozens of articles and download a bunch of study papers. With all the information in front of me, I still thought I was in no position to talk about it. To compensate, I hand drew and animated each slide on my iPad. The result was pretty good, but it didn’t make me feel any better than if I just talked about my experience, plain and simple. In fact, when I finished, I thought it was stupid and I had clearly exposed myself as not knowledgeable and a complete fraud. I was stuck in the imposter cycle.
General strategies
Now that we tackled specific methods, let’s go through the general ones. These are the ones that I put to use, and the ones who proved to be effective in my case.
😍️ Be your BFF
The worst thing an imposter has to live with is their inner voice. You’ve credited your success to charm, connections, chance, or any other external factor. How unkind is that?
Picture yourself as a friend, the best one you have.
Imagine a friend of yours opens up about their difficulties, the challenges he or she is facing, and the doubt that they’ve done a good job. Would you beat them up, saying they’re worthless employees or would you rather help them, pointing out their contributions, strengths and the blockers that were out of their control? If you have a minimum of empathy, you’d choose the latter, I’m sure. Then why not do the same with our inner voice? Picture yourself as a friend, the best one you have. Be kind and celebrate your success. Show empathy, be mindful of what words help you and what others are just toxic.
🤔 Reframe the task
Reframe the task as an opportunity to learn, instead of a way to prove yourself. You are not supposed to know everything at the start. Face hard tasks with curiosity. Accept that we are not experienced in every field; it’s not our job to know everything. It’s not even the expectation they have.
😤 Feel the relief
If you think it’s because of luck, reflect on the work that you did to get there. If you receive positive feedback, take it in. Nobody is trying to make you feel better. Your colleagues usually give you honest feedback.
If you receive positive feedback, take it in.
I like to make a list of the actions I took and my contributions to the project. Seeing it on paper really convinces me that my worth is real.
🤬 Call bullshit
Every company and colleague is trying to make you feel better. Whenever you’ve been hired, they do it suspecting you are a fraud, and they keep you around to not hurt your feelings. You’ve scammed everyone, your outstanding performance is not because of your skills, and you are the luckiest person alive. If it sounds like bullshit it’s because it is.
You’ve scammed everyone, your good performance is not because of your skills, and you just happen to be the luckiest person alive. If it sounds like bullshit is because it is.
Remember that if you are feeling like an impostor, it means you have some degree of success in your life that you are attributing to luck. Whenever you think otherwise, remember to tell yourself that’s a blatant lie. As Ryan Holiday (2014) puts it, “Just because your mind tells you that something is awful or evil or unplanned or otherwise negative doesn’t mean you have to agree.”
🤓 Volunteer
I mentioned this one with the specific strategies already, but I think it’s worth repeating. Volunteer to join projects or tasks you already feel confident about, and the results will boost your morale. Teaching or mentoring less experienced individuals will give you the reassurance that you are a good professional. There’s nothing wrong with staying in the comfort zone for a bit to feel in control and remain confident.
🥲 Boys DO cry
Talking REALLY helps.
Everybody cries, even if you don’t see it. Don’t be afraid of it. You won’t be able to change if you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable. Talk to friends or to your peers, express your feelings and fears. Open up and they will meet you with their own challenges and warm support. They may surprise you with similar experiences and their own ways to cope with it. Talking REALLY helps.
🤕 Seek help
Feelings are hard to change, and patterns are harder to break. Don’t let yourself get stuck in a loop forever for the fear of being exposed. You will not feel better if you take a passive approach and expect it will go away — spoiler alert: it won’t. If you cannot deal with it, if it’s too much to handle, or if you just don’t know how to make yourself feel better, look for professional help. If there’s a chance to feel confident, even if it costs money, why not take it?
This is it. The core of what I know and what helped me believe in myself. There’s one more tip I can give you, which is the first one I put to practice: ask others what they expect from you. When I land a new project, I ask my team what their expectation is. Get a clear picture of what they consider success, and how to enable them to do their best job too. Get used to this and you will never question yourself if you are doing enough.
At this moment there are 70% of people thinking they are a fraud too. The good news is that it’s not true.
You know now everything that helped me, but it’s not all you can gather. Explore, do more research, read what works for other imposters and put to practice alternative ways to be kind to yourself. And in the end, when you feel down, remember that you are not alone: there are 70% of people thinking they are a fraud too. The good news is that it’s not true.
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